


I would’ve stayed until you opened up

by givebackmylifecas



Series: Quote Inspirations [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Dean Has Self-Worth Issues, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s12e12 Stuck In The Middle (With You), Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Kissing, M/M, Post-Episode: s12e12 Stuck In The Middle (With You), Season/Series 12, Season/Series 12 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 17:30:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9834596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givebackmylifecas/pseuds/givebackmylifecas
Summary: Castiel left the bunker on a rainy Tuesday morning. Dean watched him go and reached for another glass of whiskeyDean thinks if he can't say "I love you" to Castiel, it is better to break up with him than to be broken up with.I suck at summaries, but basically Dean is an idiot who causes a lot of angst, but Cas is a sweetheart who makes it all better.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Post Episode 12 fic because like most people I needed to work through my feelings about it and I thought that there's no way Dean would just accept someone telling him they love him, because he is an idiot, but we love him anyway.
> 
> The title and some of the pic was inspired by the Jay Asher quote: “I would’ve stayed till you opened up and let everything out…”

Castiel left the bunker on a rainy Tuesday morning. Dean watched him go and reached for another glass of whiskey. When Sam walked into the war room a little later and found Dean and the empty bottle, lying on the floor, he was sure he had been zapped into the past. Because he hadn’t seen Dean this far gone since –

“Where is Cas?”, he asked Dean, towering above his older brother, his face twisted with concern.

Dean groaned from his position on the floor.

“Dean! Where is Cas?”, Sam repeated, leaning down to look him in the eye.

Dean pushed himself up into a sitting position and scowled at him. “He left.”

“What? Why did he leave?”, Sam asked, pulling an unwilling Dean to his feet.

Dean pushed himself away from his brother, staggering slightly as he made his way out of the room.

“Dean!”, Sam called after him, but got no answer.

* * *

 Dean somehow makes it down the Bunker’s many corridors and into his room without falling or crying, but as soon as he reaches his bed he does both. Collapsing onto the mattress that still smells like Cas, the tears come pouring out in huge, ugly sobs. He has finally done it. He has finally chased away the one person that makes him feel like he is worth a damn. The one person who promised to stay with him no matter what. Despite the alcohol coursing through his veins, impairing his vision and his thoughts, the moment he ruined everything remains painfully clear in his mind.

 

After Sam killed Ramiel and Crowley unexpectedly saved Cas, they began the trip back to the Bunker, just him, Cas and Sam – Mary had gone her own way again, stating she had other hunters to help. The whole journey home, as he sat in the backseat of the Impala with Cas, their fingers entwined, all Dean could think about was how Cas had professed his love for him, and just how little he deserved it.

Until then he had accepted Cas’ kisses and caresses, somehow fooling himself into believing that they were just for pleasure fulfilment. This way, if – no not if, when – Cas finally left him, it wouldn’t hurt so much. It wouldn’t hurt so much when Cas finally realised what a screw-up Dean was. But then Cas had gone ahead and changed the game, involved feelings in Dean’s perfect illusion and cracked Dean’s heart in two – because after all the things Dean had done to hurt Cas, letting him fall for someone who couldn’t give that love back to him surely had to be the worst.

When they finally reached the Bunker, Sam had bid them goodnight and Cas had taken Dean by the hand and lead him to their bedroom. Dean didn’t speak as they changed into their sleep clothes, or when they curled up in bed together, or even when Cas pressed a gentle kiss to his jaw and tucked his dark head under his chin.

As Cas slept, exhausted from the pounding his grace had taken, Dean lay awake, wondering how he could save Cas from falling even further.

 

The next morning found Dean sneaking out from under Castiel’s arm that was wrapped around his waist and making his way into the kitchen for coffee. He was joined only moments later by Castiel, fully dressed again in his suit and trench coat which he had seemingly been able to clean with his recharged mojo.

 “Dean?”, Cas had asked cautiously in that gravelly voice of his that never failed to make Dean’s heart beat faster. “Is everything okay?”

Dean tried not to look at him, knowing just one glance at those impossibly blue eyes would break his heart anew.

“Dean, if this is about yesterday, about what I said… I need you to know that I meant it and that I couldn’t die without telling you.” Cas walked towards him and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, on almost the exact spot he had scorched all those years ago. 

Dean took a deep breath. “Of course this is about what you said Cas, how could it not be? You can’t just say that shit to me.”

Cas’ hand dropped from his shoulder and Dean instantly missed the contact, but he couldn’t relent, it was better to hurt Cas a little now than let him get in even deeper and realise what an awful person he had chosen to lo- what an awful person he had chosen to be with.

“I am – I am very sorry Dean, I thought – I thought you felt the same way.”, Cas said, his voice trailing off into a whisper. Dean felt his stomach clench and no matter how bad he wanted to end this – whatever it was – for Cas’ sake, he couldn’t bring himself to lie to his Angel. Couldn’t bring himself to say that he didn’t love him, when he could do nothing but – but he also couldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear. It had been so long since he said that to anyone but Sam – and everyone he said it to, ended up getting hurt. So he remained silent.

“Do you, Dean? Do you feel the same way?”, Cas asked tentatively and still Dean sat in silence. “Dean?” Cas tried again.

“You should go, Cas. Don’t you have an innocent baby to hunt and murder?”, Dean asked and he could feel Cas stiffen beside him. He knew instantly that he had taken it too far, after all Cas had been through with Lily and Ishim, this was the one thing Cas dreaded having to do.

Instead of apologising, Dean just reached across the table and poured himself a glass of whiskey, and hoped Cas would just leave. And he did, but not before reaching out and stroking Dean’s arm one last time.

* * *

 

Dean can hear Sam pounding on his door, calling his name and demanding answers. Dean just pulls one of the pillows that smells too much like Cas over his head until Sam goes away and he can drift into an uneasy sleep.

 

He wakes to the feeling of someone running their fingers through his hair. He instinctively leans into the touch but suddenly jolts away when he opens his eyes and sees Cas sitting next to him.

“Cas! What are you doing here?”, Dean asks and he isn’t sure whether to smile, cry or throw up. Maybe he’ll do all three.

Cas smiles down at him, that soft, gentle smile that only Dean gets to see, that Dean loves so much, that Dean doesn’t deserve. “You didn’t think I had left for good did you?”

Dean manages to sit up and lean against the headboard. Cas slides up the bed and settles beside him.

“I thought, after what I said…”, Dean begins, but stops when Cas reaches out one hand and slowly grasps his.

“It was not kind, what you said. But I never could stay away from you for very long. I talked to Sam and I know what I said when I thought I was dying overwhelmed you, Dean. I never meant to hurt you, but as I said earlier. I mean it and you need to hear it.” Cas says this all in a calm, steady voice, while his thumb rubs little circles into the back of Dean’s hand. Dean should pull his hand away, but he can’t bring himself to take this simple pleasure away from either of them.

Dean takes a shuddering breath, and he feels the tears stinging his eyes as he wills them not to fall. “Cas, what you said. What you feel for me. I can’t give you that. I can’t say that. I don’t – I have never said that to anyone who hasn’t ended up hurt, or dead or worse. Look at Mom, at Sam, look at what happened to them. My love ruins people, Cas.” When he finishes speaking he bows his head, trying to hide the treacherous tears from Cas, but then long fingers are tilting his chin up, forcing him to look into ocean-blue eyes.

 “Dean. I do not care about all that. Look what’s already happened to me, I have been hurt in every way imaginable, I have died more times than I care to count and even lost my mind more than once. But what makes all that bearable, what has always and will always make it worth it is you. You are worth it Dean Winchester.” Cas’ eyes bore into Dean’s and Dean lets out something between a gasp and a sob and pitches forward into Cas’ chest, burying his face in the familiar fabric of his shirt, as Cas continues to talk. “And as for you saying _that_ to me, I need you to know that I will stay with you if you never say it, and I will stay with you if it’s all you ever say. But most importantly I will stay with you until you open up and let everything out, every emotion, every fear, every hope and dream. I’m here for it all, Dean. Forever.”

 Dean manages to raise his head enough to see how earnest Cas’ blue eyes are and then he’s crashing forwards, and their lips are colliding and it’s messy and wet and Dean is still crying, but in-between kisses he manages to apologise, over and over, until Cas deepens the kiss and shuts him up.

When they finally break apart, Dean can barely look at Cas, there is so much adoration in his eyes.

“Will you stay, Cas?”, he whispers.

“Do you want me to?”, Cas replies, wiping a stray tear from Dean’s cheek.

“Always, Cas. I need you.”

“Then yes, I’ll stay. Always.”

 

Someday, Dean thinks, maybe someday he’ll be able to say it to his Angel, but for now, this is enough, because Cas will stay.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, hope you don't think it was too awful.
> 
> Feel free to stop by my tumblr and tell me: http://givebackmylifecas.tumblr.com/


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